Friday, February 8, 2008

Today, tomorrow all the same-lah

Looking at the date today, it seems like only recently but in actual fact it has been fourteen long years since it occurred. For thirteen years running, this very date was so significant it has never failed to stab my heart with some freakin’ spiritual dagger or something.

For thirteen years running now, I kept pondering upon myself with all the useless ‘What ifs’ and all the pointless ‘If Only’ and would end up feeling lousy throughout the whole day and night even my appetite would shy away that I had to skip supper.

I’m not good at playing with words so not gonna get into all the soapy metaphorical nonsense here with what actually took place today exactly 14 years ago.

Before I had a blog to call my own, unless it was a birthday, I don’t usually keep tracks on many important anniversary dates. But the 8th of February means the world to me, albeit for an unfortunate reason.

It was the day when I lost the ability to use my lower limbs, and at the ripe age of 18. Talking about living in complete misery, how about that for some real deal horror.

Being an active yoong lad (as Masefield would pronounce it) with a raging hormone, active in football with a dribbling skill similar to one Jean Pierre Papin, to suddenly turn a crippled was as good as dead.

Looking back during the earlier years, its bad enough to reveal here what a total jerk I was. I can always blame depression for acting like a real shithead back then but if only I knew I’d pull through, I would have started to look ahead much earlier.

It took me years to finally realized I was gonna stay a super-freak cacat for the rest of my life.

I missed heck a lot of stuff that normal people would normally go through at some major points of their life. Applying for the first ever job while waiting for exam results, then enroll in some university/colleges, graduated before getting a proper job that suits one’s academic background, getting engaged, get married and boom, so on and so forth…

Honestly, I’ve never experienced any of the above. Ok so I may be academically-challenged, but by no means I’m unintelligent and don’t worth a shit. Being on wheelchair does not always mean I can be pushed around, nor taken for a ride.

I always tell my wheel buddies my parents were the major factor in getting me on the track again. I had two options. Either to stay on bed making a mess out of my parents’ lives or to get off of my ass and lessen their burden. That wasn’t difficult of a choice to make and with Pinky supplying the light in my darkest moment, it eases the journey through the winding tunnel and kept me moving forward without looking back.

Today however, I am determined to make a change. No more of the annual depression-filled 8th February. And with the strength I gathered through out the years, looking back is a real peanut. I can now do just that with a broad smile on my face.

Tonight, I shall be having my usual supper. Such bliss.

24 comments:

cakapaje said...

Salam bro,

Let me be frank with you. Do you know that I hold you in awe? I do. Despite the setbacks you've had, you are one gutsy fella and I am honoured to have come to know you.

Day by day, I have noticed your writing has been improving by leaps and bounds. I pray, you will be able to publish a book soon. Don't matter what it will be about, so long its not about chicks and fishes in my fish tank :)

Keep on punching bro, and know that you have tonnes of friends (by weight) around :)

wanshana said...

Way to go, Kerp! That's the spirit!

One has to make the best of one's life because more often than not, one's life is so much better than the lives of millions of others out there...

Here's to you and Pinky. CHEERS!

bailey said...

we can't prevent what we can't predict, kerp.

stay strong bro!

anfield devotee said...

Good on you brudder. Am sure it is a monumental step fer you.

Best wishes & do enjoy that fooking supper of yers . . .

tokasid said...

Salam Kerp:

I've met you once but you are one heaven(why should I use hell??) of a guy. An ordinary Mat or Ali or Jo might have given up life and stay in bed to develop bed-sores etc.

And you have such high spirit and confidence.You might be a handicap with your legs but upstairs wise I find you more intelligent than many Pemuda UMNO guys including their boss.

You had a good support in your parents and the sunshine of your life,Pinky.She is a very special person and I'm very impressed with her. Anyone ,do tell me...how many pretty girl out there willing to do what she did? And I can understand why some ppl can be so jealous with your relationship with her.

8 th february is just a date. Just forget about it and carry on with life. There's so many things to enjoy.The smell of flowers,the smell of asap lori,the smell of an overflow septic tank....

constant drama said...

And somewhere in KL I will be having supper and thinking of you too. =)

*hugs*

Pi Bani said...

Here's to a depression-free 8th Feb. Three cheers for a stronger and full of determination Kerp!!

Now go brush your teeth and give us a broader smile, will ya? ;)

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

Shah,

Thanks, brother. that was very very flattering but I swear I don’t come close to everything you said. I can see publishing a book is liken to me getting around town using RapidKL’s services…hhhehehe…


Kak Shana,

That was beautiful. Not too sure about having a much better life than others, I’m just thankful tho. Thankful that Allah spared my brain from suffering the same fate as my cervical spine. that would have made a huge different I tell ya.


Bailey,

Thanks sis. but we sure can change one’s fate by praying hard to Allah.


Bala,

I tell ya, brother. so happen my cousins are taking me out and go gallivanting tonight. I swear this plan has nothing to do with the date today. Talking about supper, its gonna be that and continue till breakfast.

Eh, that cheap hotel in Puchong appeared on 999 last night looks tempting la. Any idea where about it is situated exactly ah? Hehehehe


Pak Doc,

Aiseh, like I said to shah, that’s a huge compliment coming from you guys la. I promise you am not that great but I’m flattered that it comes from a wise-person like you. that wold surely boost some of my confidence to push a little harder and overcome many impossible obstacles.

The first thing Pinky said to me when we parted ways the other day was she’s pleased to have met you guys and was impressed how knowledgable you and shah are. She’s equally proud that I have such good friends in you, doc.


CD!,

Please do. I’ll be around KL too I think, pigging out. I was thiking about karaoke with some GROs butterflying but a clean good fun is still a fun too. such innocent me…hehehe…


Kak Pi,

So far so good, kak Pi. Gonna top it all off tonight with a lunch+dinner-type of supper. And the best part is, I can skip brushing my teeth tonight…hehehhe…



Thanks all. You guys are real friends indeed.

constant drama said...

Oh uuuhhhh, I kinda tagged you in this meme since you are such a tag whore. Kinda wanna make you do it but seeing this is not a good day....I shall release you from the obligatory meme.

Considered yourself release. But seriously. Would be damn amusing if you can do it though.

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

CD,

hey, i'm very appreciative of you the fact you had me in mind while doing the tag but i'll just give this one a miss. after all it looks rather gay to me. tinesh wouldnt mind that i'm sure...hehehe..

thanks anyway. do consider to tag me again when the next one making its round. need to live up to the tag of being a tag-whore after all.

Jue said...

Hi Kerp,

Keep strong and i do believe you can do it....

Take care & best regards,
Jue

acciaccatura said...

salam kerp,
sorry lambat datang sini.
Allah Taala duga kita hanya dengan sesuatu yang kita mampu kerp, inshaAllah. hmm...that explains a few other things.

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

Jue,

Hi there. ewah…lama tak nampak. Must be really busy huh?

Thanks for the very encouraging words. Trust me, it helps.


Kak E,

Betul sangat. It was difficult at first but Allah supplied me with the extra strength I desperately needed.

Sama dengan akak, Ujian yang berat tu sebagai dugaan keimanan kita. Sama2 kita perlu renungi.

^don’t worry kak E. Tak lambat manapon. On personal note, am so thankful to have known you, antara rakan yang banyak cerita disebalik tuan punya badan.

A Voice said...

I'll, neither be sympathetic to provide you a shoulder to cry, nor be that motivator to strengthen you further to endure thru it.

It's unfair to tell you to just toughen up and move on. And it's unfair for you to be pity upon.

My friend, cry, if you need to cry, it's not fair to stop you from doing it. Just do not do it forever.

Tinesh said...

Hey dude, been awhile since I posted here..I started work for my midterm break..So Im always too tired/lazy to post anything lol..

K, first up, I dont have much to say but stay strong..And Im pretty sure you'll do that pretty well..Family, friends and rock music are saviours I tell you..

And no bugger, Im not doing the tag..I dont care if it's gay but it's got stuff to do with skirts..I tak pakai skirt la dey! haha

kl_gal said...

I'm not a corny, sappy or to use your word "gay"..lol person but you have really inspired me.I dont know if I'd have the mental/spiritual resources to overcome what you have overcome.
Will toast you + Pinky tonight when I have my glass of red wine..so if you burp red wine..you know who is toasting you guys:))

Farina said...

my dear kerp, im so not good in words but trust me tht im a damn good listener. i shall not venture in saying anything abt the past since nothing will change tht. Just know tht we make our own future w whtever tht we have. And remember that u are not alone my brother. *hugs* to u n Pinky!

Daphne Ling said...

Hi D,

Have you ever thought about getting back to college/university? You could actually do that nowadays, and since their services are more 'open' to catering for the disabled...

You will find another whole new world opening up to you...

But kudos to you for your spirit! You're amazing...=)

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

A Voice,

That was deep, sir. Reading your comment instantly straighten my sitting position from my original slouching position. That hits right through and I will keep it in mind. Thank you so much.


Tinesh,

You got that that right, my man. rockn roll keeps me moving and it’s the real truth. CDs kept me company when I was down and lonely. It can single-handedly lift my spirit up.

Bro, just do the tag lah. I know you like all the gay stuff..hahahaha…


Hello Gurdeep,

That was really flattering coming from you but I can assure you everyone would follow the same path if they were in the same position. I was left with no option but to move up.

And cheers to you too, with a few glasses of wine, from both of us all the way from home. Sparkling wine of course…hehe…


Farina,

Wooww, that was really moving. I feel so comforted reading all those words from you. thanks.

Iam so up for anything that’s coming before me. its going to be one heck of a ride but I’ve gone through turbulence so whatever may come, I say bring it.

I tell you, farina. Since I put it this blog and get to know people like you, it has helped me tremendously spiritually. This isnt mere talk but a real deal that I’ll cherish. Thanks once again.


Daph,

Good question. Only that all of sudden since the past 2 years or so, I’ve had things coming that requires my commitment. It is good tho that my times are quite occupied. To answer your q, i’m not that keen to be honest. But hey, good idea nonetheless. Thanks.


Thanks, bros and sisters.

Kata Tak Nak said...

This that I am going to say just crossed my mind. I don't know if I have read it somewhere before and heard it before or its because you make me think of life this way.

He who values life, makes the most of it, he who doesn't, gives up.

You belong to the first group.

Thanks for your condolences, appreciate it very much.

MaryKate said...

Hi Kerp,ok reading this blog makes me understand now what happened, I didnt know you before and had no idea what happened. And, I am really glad to have you as a friend as I believe you have substance, AND, I am glad you took the choice to make a better person for yourself. We all have choices, sometimes we are not given the best circumstances, but we still have to move on whatever what. I know it may be easy for me to say, but it is finally you going through life, but believe in yourself and the almighty, many good things may come your way. Looking at the brighter side,you are well and alive (sorry,dont know how else to put it) and you have a huge fans in blog and lets go land and they are your true friends. ...and of course, there's the beautiful Pinky of course. Stay cool bro and lets meet up soon :)

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

Cikgu nazir, sir!

That was beautiful. I believe I have heard that before myself. the choices weren’t a difficult thing to choose. Its almost a natural reaction and anyone would have followed the same path. Thanks.

Hope your missus is doing fine. when I first learned of your MIL’s demise, my main concern was more of her well-being. Take care, cikgu.


Marykate!

I can assure you its not such a big deal. You were spot-on btw, I am in fact very well and alive! Hehehe…or at least trying to live to the fullest. What matters is I need to move forward even at slow pace, I know its moving.

Hey, am not sure having many fans tho but friends, you can bet on that. Thanks, sister!

cakapaje said...

Bro, since you love doing tags, please note I have tagged you :) Do visit my blog for details. Thanks.

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

ok pak, will check it out first.