Tuesday, May 13, 2008

A Metro Malay

The other day, while I was so engrossed picking my nose away, my nephew came into the room and related to me what a jerk some of his friends are, showing off their badminton racquets and all the stupid shit stupid kids love to brag about. There was this sad look in his eyes that in other words was telling me to get him one or he’ll be left behind amongst his pals. And so naturally being his wealthy uncle who happens to be a Malay, I feel it is part of my responsibility to take care of this matter instead of his parents, because for one reason, he is my beloved nephew. Secondly, I want to be seen as a cool uncle to them. Thirdly, it is an uncle’s duty to spoil his niece/nephew rotten and last and most importantly, I want him to beat the crap out of his boastful poseur friends, both on and off the court.

So over the weekend I went around looking for the best and up-to-date racquet available. Since I’m a rich guy, I thought I’d splash a bit for the kid’s sake and bought him one of those expensive brands endorsed by Lee Chong Wei the national shuttler.

Then I went on and spent a little more on a Belgian-made carpet for my room because I thought earlier right, my wealth would be more meaningful if I became a metrosexual. Suddenly it was about interior d├ęcor and practicality only comes second or third. As it turns out I didn’t last long because according to Pinky, I have to scrub my face nightly in order to become a metro dude.

It was an easy a decision to abandon such silly idea. The scrubbing, the face toning or whatever hay you call it,...and to do it on nightly basis; it takes a mighty effort to even brush my teeth every night to be adding on another such unnecessary chores.

Besides, after all the spending I did, I am officially broke for this month. The worst part is we have yet to reach the middle of the month and I’ve already used all my money up.

I am still a rich unmetrosexual guy by the way you know- by name. Its crucial to keep my status as that because Malays are supposed to be wealthy-bunch. However, I may have to change my lifestyle as suggested by our wonderful and smart leaders and start rationing on our rice intake.

Talking about rationing, I have like 3 days to go before I can spend on an item again as hopefully the JKM people should have by then, banked in my monthly wage.

Now though, I am so beat I can barely open my eyes. Since I have no idea where this entry is leading me to, I should just quit, finish off the cup of hot latte- a preferred choice for trendy Metro Malays- and hit the sack.



anfield devotee said...

Kerp the metrosexual man: Don't forget the sexy sarong & the misspelt Sanskrit tattoos (Perp?) . . .

ps: you can get the sticker tats @ BSC me thinks

Pi Bani said...

Once I was chatting with 2 lady friends of mine. They wanted to pass the time while waiting for their husbands. I asked husband diorang pi mana... main golf ke apa ke...

It turned out their husbands pergi buat facial and the wives were the ones who had to wait!

Mat Salo said...

Bro.. for the life of me I cannot imagine what being a metrosexual male means. For many years I never use deodorant nor shampoo until I got hitched. Can use sabun on the hair also what? And get this bro, I don't even use a comb. In fact for a long time I sport crew cut hair and only recently (since blogging, ha-ha) that I'm wearing it a bit long. Maybe I hope to be rock star or shit like that. Now I use deodorant of course since I don't want to embarrass my better half bila pergi orang kahwin with the dark patches under my armpits.. or attend bloggers do and embarrass my blogger friend with my B.O.

Moi internet on the ship is down bro. Has been for almost a week already. Now curi client's line for sending afternoon reports but ciluking for this as well. Gotta temporarily hang up my blooging boots bro until techie comes on board.. dunno when. I'm low priority of course.

Ha, see! I told ya doggies are cool creatures. Betul kata Daphne tu. Cruel for putting a husky in our hot climate. You wanna check out with Anthony T 'bout these things bro'. I'm sure you'll be sold on how doggies can improve your well being. Problem is, err, susah nak 'implement'.

Take care, bro!

Anonymous said...

ooo..what a nice thing to do to waste time (that picking nose part LOL), but surely you jest, I read in Rocky's link to NST, Sharizat punya expenses is more than 400k a year. All the time I thought, the gomen would have had a gigantic budget for OKU compared to financing Minister's ultra expensive overseas trips or for them to upkeep themselves with the latest LV bags, are you sure you checked your account properly and didnt miss out some extra zeros at the back?

So, how our date? Next week? This week, I am poofed, tired and on MC today. I am back - alive, and the trip to Cambodia was out of this world!! ciao and cheers for now, MKate

Kata Tak Nak said...

Kerpie, you forgot to mention that since you are a Malay therefore you are a TUAN and TUANs get only the best for their nephews.

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

Bala ji,

Perp can still tahan. Imagine if ‘perv’ were engraved on your skin? Or something like a certain Robert going to a tattoo parlor and came out with double Os on Bob instead…hehhehehe…

Kak Pi,

Hehehehe…I imagine it would be something like ‘dear, I’m going out and will be back late, to catch a footie match and then later to do facial with the guys’…so weird lah.

Mas Salo!

Bro, deodorant is an essential item la, whether you’re a metro or NOT. if you have bad B.O, chics woulnt even come near you, let alone getting in bed with her….hahaaaa…

*its not about you being deprived from accessing to the internet now, the question is, when are you coming back to civilization? You’ve been away for long. if I got my calculation accurately, and if cikgu decides to come down during the coming skool holiday, which is sometime towards the end of may, you sure to be around.

*cant keep a dog la bro. staying in condo here. number one (stupid) rule- no pets allowed.

Mary mah sis!

If indeed the report is accurate, then she was not fit for the ministerial job after all. Its now up to dr Ng to prove one doesn’t need that ridiculous amount to get the job done. this is the welfare ministry we’re talking about. Apparently the minister gets to benefit much much more than the needy themselves. Can meh?

*ahh yes…our impending meeting. Would you prefer to meet during week days or the weekends?

Welcome home btw. I’m sure the Cambodia trip was a pleasant one for you. will catcha real soon, definitely.


Ahh yes, actually I did mention about it in one of my previous posts. Its ok for the malays to play the racial card bcos get this, we are the TUANs…hehehehe…maybe I’m not one of those ultra malays. but if racism is what it takes to be a real deal malay, then I would be more than glad to be disassociated with my own race.

Tinesh said...

Kerp, itu metro cross between gay and straight rite? Somehow they become gay as well, so watch ur ass hehe

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

T man,

i understand that metro dudes are straight lads but a lifestyle similar to the gay guys. still learning to understand them gays and hopefully one day we guys can stop making fun of them.

but for now, i'll just laugh bcos your feedback was funny enough...hehehhehehehehehe!!!!

mozisgod said...

tuan kerpov,

aiyoo...dunnow when my ribcage is gonna explode.
nice and spicy, just the way i like it..mwahhaha

just to colour the template on yer canvas of the metrosexual male a wee bit...i may have got just the perfect soundtrack..i'm thinkin'...


altogetherr now...with you chest bare...(and if you are like me...with your bare sagging tits that you have a sorry excuse to call as your chest)

"i'm tooo sexy for..da..da..dee..ddu"

shake that bootttyyy.

obrigadho-gadho kuah kacang,

Raden Galoh said...

Yo Yo Bro...

You sounded like me when it comes to nieces and nephews...and of course they know where to go if matters like that arise huh...hahahaha. Now, that tells kita serupaaaa...lalalalala

again, on another issue that facila cleaning, the nightly chores pun sama...hahahaha...aiyoohhh...too many a night, i just washed my face, i mean during taking the ablution, itu je..nothing is done to the face after that...and off I go retiring the day...hahaha

love u loads lah bro....ordinary thing you mentioned are the matters hit strainght home, man!


mozisgod said...

dude - you should really write ma..i mean like as in a book... i mean FER REAL bro.. yu got a somethin fluid goin on there.. that easy slip n'side feelin' there yu know? sort of like listenin' to LITE FM with..loud interludes...interjectures of 3-chord up-down strummin replete with 2 fingers in the air and all..(i.e. that would be you)...see there's a reason i don't really go about followin or keepin up on other blogs other than kerplunk LGL & the FFS...why? thats more a case of personal affinity i suppose..it depends on how warped the individual (i.e. the said reader) is in the first place?

well what yu use as a gauge of interest from reader?..to me..its when yu grabbed the reader's mind with the flow bro.. (or by the balls - whichever you prefer..gua flexible beb :))..okay now we're talkin about flow pulak..i guess what i'm tryin to say is this...people come back to click on yer blog to find out what yu got on yer mind..albeit while pickin' yer nose :))

for me, thats like lookin' at an awesome arowana swiming back and forth...and back and forth..and ...i can do that for hours...that and throwin rocks into me own personal lake..(i.e. a huge stagnant broken monsoon drain in my taman) and watch the ripples over and over again..ERKK! erh.kerpov?..i'm talkin about arowana and water ripples in the middle of a farkin wednesday afternoon..so i guess..i best be haulin me arse out of here pronto...BEFORE.. people tell yu to stop "friending" me..mwahahhahaha

moz fawlty.

Anonymous said...

your forte would be observations of malaysian life (and no, it does not have to be from an OKU persepective bro..just write mate)

proposed workable titles.. include:-

a) "a pie in the P-hole - an intrinsic guide on the anomaly that is malaysia"
b) "malaysiana" (yah la corrupted from syrianna la..which btw..interestin' movie..aside from "subtle" nuances that that constitutes americo-propgandha (which is comparatively lesser here)
c) "true lies/lying truths - a dyslexic analyis of socio-politico fabric of pan-malaysiana"
d) Upskirts Voyuers of the 4th floor kind; & my personal fav
e) "A Malaysian "intercourse" - get ready to get fcuked"

f) "Wheels - what da fark do you know about 'em?"

get it published on rebel inc/cannongate - if it still exists.

cakapaje said...

Salam Tuan,

Den Melayu biaso, metro bukan, kampung pun bukan...dok tengah tengah jo! Hmm...bilo metrosexual Malay ni nak belanja teh tarik yang dijanjikan?

zorro said...

Dang, if only I had an uncle like you! BTW how did you come by your new wealth...I am just next door buddy.

Yes, I see Iz carrying two rackets.TWO, both LCW endorsed. Melayu Baru Wealth? Share lah with your unemployed neighbor.

monsterball said...

Bragging eer...and got empty pocket now.
But never mind...generous .....like an idiot...out of love...is what makes Pinky loves you.
After all...don't eat few days...reduce weight.....makes kata tak nak.....happy to...inspired by you...also go shopping for love ones....until broke..eat less....also reduce weight.
ME??....used to over spent and suffer.

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

kak D!

maybe I don’t have a kid to call my own that they can come to me for anything. I’ll sure to spoil them.

• ye lah kak d, I cant quite see why is it so necessary to do such thing, you spend at least half an hour in front of the mirror and once done, you’re off to bed…I mean…what the hay?

• bila nak outing? Kitorang nak join…hehehe…oh, or maybe I’ll join you guys one of the Sundays at amcorp…ahh, good idea. Can get puan Mary to join us.

Shah my brother,

This rich metro malay guy will sure to treat you and the other unfortunate malay guys namely tokasid and mat salo when another needy malay guy called cikgu comes to town. But no matter how westernized this malay guy is, he cannot live a day without a plate of rice…kahkahhh…

Uncle B!

Nope, never had a taste of NEP or whatever turd it was bcos we were not rich enough a malay to qualify for any.

This newly-found rich by the way, is a result of one free parking space vacated by someone (just next to yours). That means I can now stop parting with the rm120 monthly me and Molee have been renting all these while…

Mr goh,

Nope, don’t get me wrong. Aint bragging my man. Just being cynical.

Them isis idiots are telling us to switch from rice to potatoes. I’ll only eat less when rice is priced more than caviars.

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

Mozzzzz my brother man,

First and foremost, I’m flattered to be suggested so, esp coming from you. but na ahhh, the only experience I have when it comes to writing is this crappy blog. But I take as real compliment from you la bro.

The suggested book titles were all hilarious la macha. Its MY ribcage now in danger of falling apart. gila la bro…hehehehehhehe…how can I stop ‘friending you la geng? And the fact you come from the other side of north London doesn’t not bother me a bit nowadays. You rok better than rok kangkang blackrose..!!

• nice theme song selection. Perfect. Still remember the vid clip moz? Right said fred rules the airwave man, like totally.

*if you had chosen the song YMCA by Village People, it would have been a completely different story bro…hehhehehehehhehehe…

but you dan mozzz, you da MANNNNNNNNN..

Anonymous said...

brother kerp..about Cambodia...the foodie thing is not really for foreigners. I only ate at reputable restaurants and hotels, street food are really not for us lah.

do you know today is world bloggers unite-human rights day? everyone in the world is blogging on one important issue on human rights, i blogged on the hardship in Cambodia, have a look yourself. M.Kate

Kerp (Ph.D) said...


Sis, you gotta be kidding right? Malaysians cant stand cambodian’s spiciness? You serious? And I thought we were the king of cili padi.

Ok, maybe it’s advisable to avoid the street vendors especially in foreign countries for hygienic reason but still, you’ve gone that far to resist eat what locals eat. Hmmm…

*didn’t know about it right until now. God, what have I been reading lately to miss on it. will jump over the soonest. Thanks!!