Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The Tenesmus

What would you do when you’ve ran out of pornographic materials to drool on especially during the wee hours of the morning? As I found out, no better ways to fill your lonely hours than to look the word tenesmus up the wikipedia.

As everyone may have figured the meaning by now, I think when a dude suffers from one, he couldn’t be claiming that he was raped in the ass, could he?

This is nothing political but purely based on logic. My take is, when someone’s anus is screwed, say, by an obvious object, that will naturally opens up the anal canal wider for his turd to ease through. So if he was indeed being fucked in the butthole, he should be able to crap effortlessly. And he might be able to do it even by standing on his feet.

Whatever man. I think its better to leave this matter to the expert because I’m not a doctor, let alone an ass doctor.

Hey, but I think the word Tenesmus sounds pretty rockin’. Cool name for a rock band.

Or a boy band. Something like the Rasmus, only that Rasmus is a crappy rock band.

I think The Tenesmus will thrive better in the pop scene. Just need to gather a bunch of guys with a pretty-boy look, preferably with a six-pack torso, a singing ability as melodious as the Spice Girls and voila, they’ve got themselves a contract.

To make their first million bucks all they need is to corrupt an oldie number and they are well on track to be part of world’s wonders- the one-hit wonder.

So anyway, my current state of mind is totally untenesmus. I have been writing since Monday and all that ever comes out are pure crap...just like our nation's current political situation.


wanshana said...

Considering the current going-ons in Bolehland, another good name for a band would be -

=> Uranus.... No?


Salt & Turmeric said...

Kerp, i tot of commenting something but then i realised i dont kno wht to write. Go Tenesmus!? hahaha.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Tenemusally speaking, this tenesmus crap is tenesmising every tenesmus loving citizen of this tenesmic country so lets all embrace tenesmusization.

Pak Idrus said...

Kerp, thanks for bring up the subject. Well it look like 'pukul anak sindir menantu'. There are many corrupt minds out there especially in the Malaysian political scene. They forgot that we now live in the twenty first century and the present generation of voters are indeed a smart lots.

Have a nice day and take care.

Pak Idrus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
fergie said...

hehe .. if you are fed crap what do you expect to expel but crap. Everyday all we are fed is CRAP and it's coming out of every orifice I have .. yukkksss. Yup, like wanshana said .. I feel we are living on planet "uranus"!

akuani said...

good one Kerp ! ...

anfield devotee said...

Go tenesmus yerself? Get tenesmused? Utterly tenesmused?

Doesn't quite roll of yer tongue as a good swear word should. Am sure Tuan Kerp will have more suggestions in store.

Pi Bani said...

Tenesmus I tak tau. Yang I tau banyak benar hippopotamus sekarang ni...

Life's Like That said...

We are being tenemus-sed everyday by these clowns we call our leaders!

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

Kak shana,

The Uranus, hey that’s so cool. Here’s another one- The Ass-asins….kihkihh…we’ve already got the Butthole Surfers for your info, kak shana…hehe..


Err…yay, way to go, Farina!

Hehehe…hey I’ve emailed you her numbers…check it out.


As always, very tenesmusing coming from you…hehehehe…can never top you la as usual..

Salam Pak Idrus,

True, although I’m not saying that I’m clever, its how one perceive to a certain matter. I could always be wrong but doubts will forever be clouding in our mind, whether or not the damage has been done.

You have a wonderful day too, sir.

Aunty fergie!

Unfortunately we’re forced to get used to living a crappy life with the craps going on lately. The political uncertainty, goods prices rocketing…its just so bad we could do away with this latest development, regardless of which side you belong to. I wish it could be that easy to ask them to get it over with…


Thanks but are you sure ah? Its kinda crappy you know…hehehe


Ya, quite a mouthful for a swear word. And no la, cant top you guys. You people are the best there is in foul language…kihkih…

Kak Pi,

Kalau hippopotamus, kat zoo taiping ada la (kot)…hehehe…


Yea, our so called leaders never fail to tenesmuse us with their antics…hahha….

Anonymous said...


TUAN KERPIENASRI(i still prefer luca (luka?) kerPRIC)

speakin' figuratively about crap; crap is omnipresent, omnipotent and
yes, in case you were wondering

crap while standin' up;
crap while contempareneously pissing (one of me highest personal achievements of all time; burping at will, controlling me shit while i cough..all that and the feat of usin a word like contemperaneous (crapword) in the same breath..

dude, as has the case has more often than not been while reading yer thoughs,
i literally crapped laughin.
(trans: ketawe terberak la tu)

dude, keep killin me like this, and i won't have any
intestines left to digest
healthy food - yu know like mamee, sotong kering, shrinked asam and the likes

whats that?
moz yu are on that long and windi-ey road again? the road of utter shit stained
the highway to unfathomable reaches of the
low ebbs of spursfan's

i am? yes. well good. while at it, i'm takin' up that offer of yers.
the band dude, kerp on voice and moz on more voice..we go a'cappela concept bro - i.e. jeritmelalak concept tak
tentu hale
choice of no no oldies bro.
strictly limited to
covers of 80's numbers - glamrock to be exact; rock kangkang.
er. sorry i meant rockbuntot. you know mibbe circa mid-80's
abang bong joe vi.
instruments? who gives a flyin fark?
we got built wah-wah pedals don't we chief?
talk about thumpin bass line.
and alternating growls
i think i will shut up
and go back to me work,
like a good bhoys with a fetish
skintight leather

the only valid point in this utter piece of crap written by the artist still reknowed for his crap:
agreed. the nation is crappin out.

how so? go figure. kerp has the words.


ciao muchahos.


p.s. because the "talis-man" is gone.

anfield devotee said...

moz: eh, if you talking about yer keano, sorry la. But at least you got a decent price fer him & you still got Bent who smashed in 4 the other day. Bent & Berbie, ok what.

However, you unable to stop 4 others from jumping ship & forsaking european footie fer the brite lites of sunderland is quite another matter la . . .

Here's to resuming war in a few weeks time.

Pi Bani said...

I was referring to 'em hypocrites whom I'd rather call hippopotamus. Kan banyak keliling kita sekarang ni?

cakapaje said...

Salam kerpie,

Considering the what ten... that is, your writing crap is anytime better than the goons up there.

Tinesh said...

Ladies..err gents and gentlemen..Presenting TENESMUSSSSSS!!!!!! Jeng jeng jeng!!

Ok la..sounds not too bad for a boyband..

Zabs said...

Salam Kerp,
You are adding another crap to the plenty of craps that we have in the daily newspaper.
However your crap is knowledge base. Keep it up.

Kerp (Ph.D) said...


Eh, rock kangkang materials can be corrupted into cornier stuff ke? I have heard of chicago’s hit song turned into rnb and the result was a disaster…but they still laughs their way to the bank. Shit la them boybands.

Dei, why are you so depressed la bro? Cheer up man, you’ve got a gunner-reject now running at the lane. and for 15m quid at that…muahahhaha.

Don’t blame me bro, bala has started the war of words rolling.

Eh bala,

You mean steed malberuk? Kihkihh…hey but they’ve got Bentley, a gunner-reject for 15m quid. Not bad la. Young England international.

Kak Pi,

Oh yea, hehe…tak perasan pulak. I wish I could name the hypocrites but wouldn’t want to get myself into trouble. Geram pon ya jugak ni.


Tenesmus ni aku rasa sembelit kot. I may have to refer to docTA…tunggu line kat melaka pulih semula. This crap however, tak ganggu masyarakat Malaysia, unlike the other crap produced by them sarkas.


Muahahhaha…nice puns brother. You beat me to that.

Wsalam Pak zabs,

Hehe, thanks pak zab. This crap is based on personal point of view je, nothing political. Lagi pon for the next weeks and months or so we’ll have tons of crap especially on local tv news.

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Anonymous said...

tuan kerpov/balakov,

those 4 fooks (well excluding malbranque) are useless fooks la dude. utterly...


In contast with keano, actually in retrospect, not really upset with him leaving though. kire puas hati la. because as a player, the dude, undeniably put his heart out there on the field; without a farkin doubt. always runnin' the field and tossin the ball. and in dire times, has come to the rescue with crucial savers.

compare him on plane of the other useless fook we had for a while. typo i meant defoe. good striker? yes, maybe but the idea of him runnin' for a ball? oh god no. don't even dream of it. guess thats what made keano special in that contrast. that, plus that fact that fer some beladi reason i've had piqued interest in anything oirish since school bangku times (yes, yes, the root cause maybe guiness).

and i've chosen not to think about who's gonna be scoring the goals now (with berba primed to go astray well..wmahahhaha)

6 seasons day in day out - running. thats loyalty enough for me. and fact remains he put in his transfer request, but still he's no judas. good man, top man, top player.

wish him more glory dudes, after all he has been a lifelong reds fan (again linking back to the irish roots within the city).

later mon.


p.s. here's lookin to another mediocre season. there's not gonna be a war from me. didn't imagine one of the loves of my life (footie la dei) can be so

p.s. tuan kerp, no we keep the orignal covers. not rnb shite and stuff all. boybands can sondol themselves. agreed. they are shite.


Anonymous said...

tuan kerpov,

re: bentley

sorry to start fondling this comments section into a footie discussion, but just wanted to add something.

when it comes to english players, for some reason or other, correct me if i'm wrong - but in a weird sort of way there's a "deemed" premium placed on the head particulary if the player in question is:
a) young;
b) got potential;
c) skillful attributes - freekicks, corners etc
d) yes - if he's english

agreed la bro, with my pants caught between the ankles. too beladi much. but then again, is it my money? is it my pregorative?
i dunno.

but hey look at the "english" players we got read: jeans jeans (i.e. plays as if hes in his jeans). should i prance around punchin' my fists in the air as a fan and say, look farkall
he's got potential - give him time?
yu can call it pessimism, but buyin overpriced players may not help.

the dudes quite good, but then again there's that gnawing fear of inconsistency that dwelves deep at the lane; a constant worry.

well we'll see what comes of it. as forward, always looking forward to the


p.s. friday is a day to "unbound".

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

Mr Edward skading,

Hey, that’s terrible. Will cross over to your blog in a bit. in the mean time, fight on, sir.


Ok man, my apology for going a little too hard on Robbie. He was indeed a great servant for spurs and deserves a recognition from the lane, a legend la kira. Rafa wouldn’t pay him for the amount paid if he’s not that great, right?

And Bentley too. Being a gunner, it’s a must la giving you guys a tough time. But deep inside, I know spurs have got themselves a quality midfielder they can brag about. If there ever was david beckham’s replacement, its gotta be another DB.

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

and one more thing mozzzz...

yea you're absolutely korek brother.its friday, time to UNBOUND...hehehehe...

thanks for your support, my spurs man.

zorro said...

Danny, pleeezzzzzzzzeeeeee include me in your Tenesmus heavy metal ensemble. But I want to play the skins....the guy who bangs away....always in the background....and always with two handy intrusive skin-bangers.
KTN, pleading you push in a good word for me to the leader of the band...thats you Danny. NO?
Drink a lot of water, no late nights,no no to Red Tube at 4am. Rock on Tenesmus!

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

Uncle B,

Hehehehe…nah, its going to be a pretty-boy group. None of us have what it takes to be a member. Basic requirement, one needs to have a 6-pack torso. A ‘keg’ is a no-no…heheheheee

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