Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Passing Gas

A neighbor came back from her kampong last week and brought us a plastic bag full of fresh tapiocas. With all the crazy hoo-ha surrounding the nation that we are encouraged to change on our lifestyle I thought ok, why not, I’ll give it a shot. No big fucking deal, right?

So the next day I completely changed on my diet intake and switched from rice to tapiocas and had hoped with ample supply of tapiocas, I would be able to go on at least 3 days without a single grain of rice.

That same night however, I was back pigging out 2 plates of nasi goreng.

No, it wasn’t about the taste. In fact it tasted good but the after-effect of consuming this thing that actually put me off; I can’t stop farting.

Seriously, I kept passing methane gas practically throughout the whole evening and went on till the next afternoon.

It was so bad I woke up at 5 that particular morning and stayed in the bathroom till almost 6am.

No wait. I didn’t sleep at all that night. I was watching a euro game but only half-enjoyed the match because I was grasping my breath silly trying to hold the crap until the final whistle blows. It was crazy shit literally I almost made a real mess in bed.

Imagine if Pak Dol were to endorse this proposal, he’ll be farting mad while giving speeches before an audience consists of useless world leaders.

I wonder if the person who mooted this idea had himself stopped buying rice in exchange for the supposedly more economical alternative instead, in this case, tapioca?

Dude, how about forwarding this idea to the PM, DPM and the ministers and if they dug it, expect a Tunship to come your way, or else quit being a smart aleck ass.


yuking said...

New Cabinet:

Prime Minister - Anwar

Deputy Prime Minister - Lim Kit Siang

Agriculture Minister -

Community Minister -

Culture Minister - Farish Noor

Defence Minister - Azmin Ali

Education Minister - Nga Kor Ming

Environment Minister - Teresa Kok

Finance Minister - Tony Pua

Foreign Minister - Ramasamy

Health Minister - Tan Seng Giaw

Home Minister -

Information Minister - Jeff Ooi

Law Minister - Teng Chang Khim

Manpower Minister -

Sports Minister -

Technology Minister - Nizar

Trade Minister - Khalid

Transport Minister - Liew Chin Tong

Tourism Minister -

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

dude, you gotta be kidding right? only one PAS man in the cabinet? and who the hell this farish noor again?

i tell you who the new PM will be: in ME! Pakdol, anwar, LKS, azmin and the rest can eat my shit cos i'm the numero uno man in asia, possibly the world. ever heard of weezer's new album? the guys were kind enough to dedicate one of the tracks to me and its called the Greatest Man That Ever Lived. yea. fuck all the new cabinet members.

Pi Bani said...

Even if tapiocas can become good replacement for rice, after this the price of tapiocas will shoot up and then we will be asked to change our lifestyle again.

Then instead of eating ubi kayu, we'd be eating kayu.

Oh well, after that the price of all kinds of kayu will also go up! And it goes on and on and on like the bangau oh bangau song...

anfield devotee said...

Yo brudder kerp, no wonder so fooking hazy la this morning. Yer gases seem to have affected air quality all the way to Nilai!!! Killer . . .

ps: Me still thinks you should do a review of weezer's new LP. C'mon, dude. After all, you gonna be writing fer MM soon, maybe you could even pitch fer the album reviews page! Get loads of free shit.

Bernard said...

(Speaking with heavy duty gas mask on) Tuan Kerp, if you didn't realise, that Weezer song is in the past tense, and its probably cos you gassed yourself (& the rest of us dead). And as AD said, get a review done la. Zaman ekonomi meleset sudah tiba, kan baik kalau boleh dapat "freebies" buat album review untuk MM?

muteaudio said...

Gua ingat nak suruh uncle gua stop tanam padi. Ganti padi dengan ubi kayu. Untuk mengatasi masalah pencemaran gas manusia akibat terlalu banyak makan ubi kayu, gua boleh pulak jual gas mask AP. Imported dari Jepun. Ada macam-macam design. Ada yg macam helmet Gaban, Kesatria Baja Hitam ataupun Ultraman.

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

Kak Pi!

Hehehe…interesting theory lah. But no, I think rice is irreplaceable. 4 shoots of tapioca equivalent to one plate of rice. If the bangaus thing the rakyat will have no qualms, they better think again.

Bala ji,

That was last week la dei. But seriously boss, try have a whole tapioca and you’ll know what I mean.

*ok la, will try my hand on reviewing this album. See how first. Might even get a full page, right? will be looking up to you as my guru.

*who said I’m gonna be writing for MM soon? Already did la wei…hehehee

Bernard my man,

Oh ya la, didn’t realize that. But I believe the song was written about himself la, that Rivers Cuomo dude. And he’s pretty much alive the last time I checked on his myspace.

*will try and do the review and get it drafted 1st. may come out rather shitty…

yo raz,

lu kasi sikit la AP kat aku, I need the datukship badly la. But seriously, I prefer the conventional design, the one worn by a fish in pilgrim’s da capo album sleeve. The last time checked @amcorp, it cost around 89 bucks. Was tempted to buy. Tengok la camna…dpt extra money sikit nanti.

M.Kate said...

Hey Kerp...hahahaahahaa...thank god I dont have an upcoming date with you today, I'll pass out from your gasses. Why not make it even better, makan petai and durian at the same time!!! Now, this is what I call taking it to a 'higher level'. BTW, TNB bosses get 100% increase in salary, what about OKU?


Kerp (Ph.D) said...

Mary!! worries, it happened last week, and you bet i'll keep myself a distance away from them evil tapiocas.

* what about the OKU? well, apart from being seen with us in prime time news, do you think they'd care? meeting us is just a an official thing, obliging to all the protocol shits, nothing more.

read Kata Tak Nak for some good TNB-bashing time!

Tinesh said...

Achmed the dead terrorist: Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart.

Dude, make sure you stay off the tapiocas during the week of our gathering. Im not gonna be gassed and found dead in Fatty Crab.

Kata Tak Nak said...

The best part about passing gas is the 'who did it look'.
Tell us if you did it, would you admit or buat bodoh only.

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

T man,

dei, trust me la. that was the last i eat for this year. am gonna start switching to healthy diet starting from now; caviar, truffle, lobster, that rm800 worth of steak meal you get in steakhouses, oysters hold on, did i say healthy or wealthy? oh well, fuck KJ's cronies.


eh ya laa...especially in the company of chics, i'd sure to either buat bodoh or blame someone else. but normally sape tegur dulu he is the culprit la, guilty as charged...hahahhaha

Salt & Turmeric said...

Kerp, kalau u jadi PM, i nak jadi law minister lah. boleh? mesti aman nyer negara kita sbb i akan campak masuk penjara kalau byk songeh. hahhaha.

jgn cakap pasal ubi kayu sbb i suka makan cicah susu manis. ;)

Kerp (Ph.D) said...


if we were ministers, we may have to lead by example and switch our diet to ubi kayu. but my kind of ubi kayu will have unlimited caviar toppings instead of the usual ikan masin, sambal tumis etc...hehehhe...

*makan with susu manis? thats first to me.

Tinesh said...

OK man, Im trusting you with this.

WHEN you become PM (not if), I dont want to be the gay minister la. Gimme something else la, I settlekan you a chairman post in a multinational company

Salt & Turmeric said...

kerp, actually most of my eating habit i ikut my late grandma. i dun kno why. fr her, i learned to eat/enjoy ubi rebus with susu manis or gula. other things tht i eat w susu are papaya, biskut craker, roti canai and etc. im sure thts not weird.

jaflam said...

Hai Kerp,
You make me laugh man ..... he heeeee.

Pls ask Doll to direct Proton to make car that move on gas .... yes human produced tapioca gas???!!!

Kerp (Ph.D) said...


You’ll be a good minister becos apparently you’re good at apple-polishing..kahkah…

*should have bet with you last night la dei. Portugal defense koyak beb.


To be honest la sis, it is a little weird. Roti canai, fine. biskut pon fine la as it can be eaten with practically anything but papaya and ubi kayu tu macam pelik la. You don’t eat rice with susu manis do you? hihi…

Dato J…

Imagine if human gasses can be used as an alternative to petrol, everybody will be switching their diet to tapiocas. And every morning we get to see people bending over with their pants on the knees filling the tank up with methane gasses! Hehehhehe…such ugly sight I know.

monsterball said...

I ate alot of real nice ubi kayu in Indonesia country side.I stayed for 10 week ago.
But I ate morning breakfast and night snacks...with cheese and kaya.
No futting like you..just do not feel hungry so fast.
My meals are fried padi frogs..Indon sambal and simple in day out.
Thais poor eat alot of pulut...because the can stay.not hungry for days........after that....and if you try being a Thai......eating pulut may need yo go to get your shit out.